My wisdom teeth are being removed next week – the day before Thanksgiving. For some, removing wisdom teeth before a feast involving food is criminal. I don’t like Thanksgiving, so I have the perfect excuse to rot in bed all day and watch the National Dog Show.
I do get my wisdom teeth out though. I don’t like medical procedures or checkups in the first place and avoid them at all costs.
But before I knew it, my mother locked me in the wisdom tooth surgery. I’m terrified because I know, I just know I’m going to go out myself.
The number of people who have requested a video of me drugged is quite alarming. It’s like everyone knows I’m going to make a fool of myself. My boss at work even wants the video. Being the funniest person in the room comes at a cost.
Knowing myself, I predict that one of three scenarios will occur.
State 1: Lock
On the occasional night out, a switch flips in my head. I’m a pair of Buschlattes deep. My ears are ringing. Eyes that squint from bright lights. Everything is a blur. At times like these, I start to hear a voice in my head.
The voice says “I need to lock” and I lock. Last month, after an intervention just like this, I chased down a glass thief and rescued my friend August’s glass from a rogue Ohio U student.
But that’s beside the point. When I decide to “lock down”, I come home, do some push ups and set my alarm for 6am the next morning so I can get to the gym before everyone else.
I predict after a lot of anesthesia, I will decide to lock again. The doctors may need some restraints to hold me back or I may start to “lock out” at the wrong time. The punching bag (IV) in the corner looks like it wants the smoke.
Scenario 2: You are so beautiful
I’d say my drunken alter ego would be Dug, the golden retriever from the movie “Up,” and it shows. My Golden Retriever self wants to tell everyone how much I love them.
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The majority of people on the editorial staff of The Miami Student have said how much I love them from my alter ego. Sometimes, like a dog, I forget my strength and hug my friends a little too hard. One of my friends thought they would pass out from how hard I hugged. Ouch.
I also tend to tell people who help me how beautiful they are. It seems like every time I go to get some Skippers late at night I tell the woman taking my order how great they are. Because I’m afraid of women, I don’t ask for her number or anything. Just enjoying my cheeseburger before going home.
I know, I just know, that I will tell one of the nurses helping me how beautiful they are and that I love them. Teddy under the influence and expressing his love goes better than Miami diner food and bugs.
Scenario 3: Non-verbal
One thing I love about being a student in Miami is that we can handle our substances… for the most part. Or at least tolerate it at a higher level than the average college student. That said, I have a feeling the doctor will need a lot of gas to knock me out.
All that gas means I’ll be high off my ass which means: I’m going non-verbal.
I’ll be a lights-on-nobody-is-home type of tall. You don’t speak, you just look… into the depths of your soul. Just kidding!
For me, being this high means one thing: time to watch Outdoor Boys on YouTube.
If you have any good anesthesia stories, please email me!
john1595@miamioh.edu
